How Suicidal Thoughts Helped Me Create My Best Life Yet!

SAND LOVEHEART

Last year I wanted to kill myself.

And it’s not the first time I’ve had these thoughts – but it was the closest I got to thinking the process through till the end. Here’s how hitting rock bottom has helped me to design my best life yet (and the 10 powerful questions I asked myself to guide me here).

When you are in a lot of pain, like suicidal torment, the pain dominates all of your awareness and becomes all encompassing. You struggle to remember a time when the distress wasn’t part of your every waking hour. It’s as if both past and present are nonexistent and all that’s left is your current state of misery.

I had gotten to the point in life where I thought, “what is the fuckn’ point in living anymore?”

Lucky for me and all those that love me, I didn’t go through with it. I was so caught up in my heightened state of anxiety and the relentless mind chatter that I couldn’t actually see an easy way to relieve my pain.

How Did I Get, Here

After years of dealing with a binge eating disorder, I was completely and utterly exhausted from years of sabotaging my own life, health, happiness and love. 

But despite having finally overcome my eating disorder twelve months earlier, life seemed destined to continue challenging my threshold for dealing with shit. This only amplified the feelings of helplessness and unworthiness that started to manifest in my mind. 

I had reached a point where even the simplest chores and responsibilities were becoming an overwhelming burden on me because all seven of the seven life powers were (seemingly) falling apart at the seams, simultaneously.

But the pinnacle of my self-destruction culminated during the last few months before closing my business – a business that was more like a child to me than a way of making a living.

(Check out my final goodbye to my loyal Mass Nutrition Glenelg customers here)

I felt out of control in every area of my life.

  • Financial Freedom / Independence 
    • I could no longer keep up with the absurd rent my greedy landlord insisted on leaching out of me.
    • Closing my business put me into significant debt and the pressure of having to find money to pay the ongoing bills without an income was insufferable.
    • After closing my business I ended up in a legal battle with my above said landlord. While I “won” the case, the stress and anxiety caused by fighting the legal process was almost too much to bare.
  • Vocational Success, Achievement & Service 
    • I had lost my passion for the supplement industry. My soul was destroyed after years of dealing with the gross lack of morals, integrity and values amongst many individuals and companies in the supplement industry.
    • In the months after closing my business I suffered a melt-down. A combination of feeling like there was no longer a purpose for me to get out of bed in the morning, completely emotionally and mentally exhausted and feeling like a complete failure that I couldn’t make my business work.
  • Family, Love & Intimacy 
    • My family had no idea that the last few months had become so unbearable. I couldn’t even articulate how I was feeling at the time and the only coping mechanism I had was to isolate myself from them. Slowly I became disconnected to them.
    • For a period of 18 months, I allowed a couple of men in my life to walk all over me, treat me like shit and leave me feeling used and unworthy of love.
  • Physical Health, Stamina, Strength and Wellbeing 
    • Getting out of bed became a chore. Mustering the energy to face the rigors of exercise was beyond me.
    • My binge eating behaviour started showing up again. This triggered the self-loathing and body-hate cycle.
  • Social Influence & Leadership 
    • I fell into a downward spiral of not wanting to see anyone. For months I isolated myself from my friends and colleagues and lost that all-important human connection.
  • Spiritual Mission
    • My spirit was completely broken. I had lost all faith and meaning in my life.
    • I completely ditched my gratitude practice, journaling and meditation, magnifying the worries in my head.
  • Mental Genius & Creativity 
    • Although my mind was in constant overdrive, I was mentally fatigued.
    • Life wasn’t challenging me in a positive way anymore. I had no goals and no plan for personal development.
goodbyemass

Moments before I walked out of Mass Nutrition Glenelg for the very last time.

When I Knew I Was In Serious Trouble

The day after closing my business, I woke to a deafening silence.

No customers to serve. No bills to pay. No stock to put away. No orders to place.

There was no longer a reason to get out of bed. I no longer had a purpose to serve. Life was going on with, or without me.

For the next 6 months I spent more days than I care to remember, curled up in bed in the fetal position, numb. Unable to process my emotions of feeling lost, trapped, hopeless, helpless and like I was now a burden on others.

And the nights, they were unbearable. My mind was at it’s busiest then – I felt like I could out-run a freight train fueled by my manic thoughts. I would eventually fall asleep around 4am from complete exhaustion only to go through it all again the next day.

Friends kept telling me that I was just going through a “rough patch” and that I would work my way through it – as I always did. But deep down, I knew it was more serious than that. 

 

That’s when I asked myself, why be alive when I already feel dead inside?

I didn’t have any answers.

There was no reason left for me to fight the hopelessness I was feeling.

That’s When The Suicidal Thoughts Started 

How would I end my life? I debated the options in my head for months.

Would I just overdose on prescription pills? Yeah, that would be easy enough.

Maybe I could I throw myself in front of a train? Fuck no, I don’t have the balls for that!

Or should I just drive to my parents farm and shoot myself with the shotgun. At least that would give me instant relief. Nah. Again, I’m too much of a pussy to do that!

I felt like such a coward that I couldn’t go through with it.

Talk about a failure – I couldn’t even kill myself!

I feel the only thing that held me back from going through with any of these actions was that the very thought of committing suicide terrified me more than my ability to overcome the fear enough to actually do it. This kept me going, holding onto life by a thread.

I had no guilt about leaving loved ones behind. I had no empathy for the repercussions of my actions. Why? Because at that point in my life, I was void of all emotion. And I certainly didn’t believe any one would miss me.

I couldn’t see that my life did have a positive impact on others.  

Rockbottom leads to change

It was December 30, 2015

A month ago to the day, I had closed my business. 

My New Year’s Eve plans consisted of lounging around in my pajamas’s, eating several jars of my favourite flavoured peanut butter and watching the whole series of Bridget Jones’ Diary on dvd. Though that wasn’t confirmed. 

But you see, I have this rule that how you start the new year is a sign of how you will end the year. And I couldn’t have forseen how true that would be for 2016. That’s when I made what now was, a life changing decision: I bought the next ticket to Bali, Indonesia, and within a few hours I was checked into the Stones Resort drinking cocktails by the pool.

My Joie de vivre (French for joy of living) started to return

I had never been to Bali and never had any desire to go. But there was something about the “energy” I felt there. While many expats who have lived there for years say the energy has changed with the influx of tourists and more westerners calling it home, I couldn’t deny I felt instantly “at peace”, like I was truly “home”.

There were no plans, no schedules, no deadlines to meet. Just me, the sunshine and a strong connection to source.

As I started to gain some strength and spirit back, I ventured around the island, climbing mountains, white water rafting, island hopping, making new friends, eating nutritious food and counting my blessings.

You could say, Eat. Pray. Love – Style.

The one moment when everything changed

Snorkeling around Gili Air, one of the three Gili Islands situated just off Lombok, it suddenly hit me …

My wanting to die actually came from a deep desire to live life more fully!

It was my intuition telling me I had come off course. That I was suffocating beneath the rubble of mediocrity.

I had surrendered to my fears and accepted the life I had created for myself.

But deep down inside I actually wanted to live – I mean really fucking live! Not this miserable, self-loathing, unfulfilled life, but one filled with love, laughter, adventure, joy, creativity, purpose and connection – I wanted to feel alive again!

(insert Bee Jee’s Stayn’ Alive – ah ah ah, stayn aliiiiive :-)) …

This was the ah-ha moment I desperately needed to start living life on my terms.

To start living fearlessly! 

I realised that I had allowed my depression and suicidal thoughts to manifest from not living an authentic life.

For nearly two years I hadn’t been honest with myself and those around me about how I was feeling and what I needed.

But I knew I had a choice. I knew I had to make a choice – to take a chance – or my life would never change!

“Although no-one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” – Carl Bard

BALI TICKET

Facebook Post: 29 May, 2016, Adelaide

When I returned home after 4 blissful weeks of reconnecting body, mind, heart and soul, I made some pretty big life changes:

  • I sold my home
  • I sold or gave away many of my possessions
  • I moved back in with my parents
  • I started creating a new online platform to help change other people’s lives, and …
  • I bought a one-way ticket back to Bali! #islandgirl!

“Finally booked my one way ticket to Tropical Paradise 🌴🌞 Swapping #farmlife for #islandlife for a year in just three sleeps. Eeek! Because you know who’s gunna give you everything? YOURSELF. So if you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave. Just let go. Let go of how you thought your life should be, and embrace the life that’s trying to work it’s way into your consciousness ✌”

My Tropical Island Life

Today, my life amazes me.

Living in Bali, a tropical island paradise where I have thrown myself into living a life full of gratitude, meditation and yoga. I’m no Yogi or Buddha (just yet!), but I guess you could say, I am truly manifesting my dream life.

A life I created intentionally. From the depths of despair, ruin and heartbreak, I set about creating the most authentic life I have ever known.

I have time to breathe. I have time to appreciate who I really am and where I’ve come from. I have time to discover and share the gifts I can offer the world.

(If you want a laugh, check out my blog 28 reasons I’m moving to a tropical island in 28 days! here)

The key to (re)building your best life yet is self-knowledge;

because you can (re)build a happy, fulfilling and authentic life, but only on the foundation of understanding your own nature.

In my own case, I’ve found that the more my life reflects my real interests, values and temperament, the happier I become.

It turns out living life on other people’s terms, to caving into my limiting beliefs and ignoring my deepest desires sucked the joy out of life for me. I was living the life that society had always told me to live. “Find a secure job, work hard,” they would say. “Get a solid job and work your way up the ladder.”

Once I realised I had a deep burning desire to live again, it was as if out of nowhere, a voice in my head spoke loud and clearly. If you want to live an extraordinary life it is imperative that you know who you truly are, and to do so you must explore who you truly are. 

I followed this wisdom as if my life depended on it (because in reality, well, it did). And I can tell you that my life has changed for the better since I followed this guidance. It is truly the single greatest piece of wisdom that I’ve discovered in my life thus far.

These 6 questions helped me change my life forever

They will also change your life forever by helping you connect to your true self and discover your unique passions, strengths, values, desires, and motivations, which are all yearning for your expression.

I’m not talking about the “self’” that others demand you to be or the self that acts a certain way to fit in and conform with what society accepts. I’m talking about the true you—the you who wants to an authentically extraordinary life.

Your ability to fulfill your unique internal drive will determine your ability to fulfill your potential, which in turn determines the quality of your life.

1. WHAT MAKES ME THE HAPPIEST IN LIFE?

I’m not talking about things you simply “like”. There is no room for mediocrity here people! What gets your heart thumping? What brings an instant smile to your face just thinking about it? What gives your the most energy? Go nuts. List everything you love about life, the people in it, hobbies and activities you enjoy, food, music, learning, movies, lifestyle – anything. Your list needs to cover all 6 senses. There in lies your passions.

2. WHAT ARE MY GREATEST ACCOMPLISHMENTS SO FAR?

List all of the moments that you are proud of as well as the times that you’ve succeeded. To have accomplished these, you would have used some of your key strengths. See if you can identify why you succeeded. How can you emulate that success again? Also, list any activities, hobbies, or anything else that you do that you complete with ease. Within these lie your greatest strengths.

3. AM I BEING WHO I REALLY WANT TO BE?

What kind of person have you always to be? Are you showing up as that person now? Or are you way off course and have some work to do? How does the “person I really want to be” speak? What kind of language do you use with yourself and others? How do you want to make others feel? All these questions can help you figure out who you are and who you want to become.

4. WHAT RE MY PERSONAL & CORE VALUES?

Values are the principles or standards of behaviour that are formed by life experiences and codes of conduct. Defining our values gives us purpose. They help prevent us making bad decisions, give us confidence and make life simpler. Ask yourself, what’s truly important to me? Write everything down without censoring your thoughts. There are hundreds of values you could come up with. Check out this great article for helping you define your values.

5. ARE MY FRIENDS & FAMILY A POSITIVE INFLUENCE ON MY LIFE?

You are a reflection of the people you spend time with. Do they encourage you to be a better person or do they bring you down? This can be a hard change to make, but sometimes we all need to reevaluate the type of people we allow in our life. Take it one step further. What kind of people do I want in my life? What lessons will they teach me? Actively seek out new friendships, people who inspire you and mentors that will help you become the person you want to be.

6. AM I LIVING MY LEGACY?

The life you’re living today is the legacy you’re leaving behind. How do you want to be remembered? Ask yourself what legacy you want to leave behind, and start living that right now. A great way to know if your life is heading in the right direction, is to write your obituary (sounds morbid but it’s super powerful exercise).

7. HOW DO I DEFINE SUCCES?

So many people today are chasing success and sacrificing their time, their relationships, and their sanity to get there at any cost. But where is “there” anyway? Have you ever stopped to think about how you define success? Is it money? Is it wealth? Is it contribution? Is it happiness? Is it doing what you love, with who you love, every day? Or a combination? Before you set out on your next big journey, be sure to define what success looks like to you first.

8. AM I LIVING A PHYSICALLY/MENTALLY/SPIRITUALLY HEALTHY LIFESTYLE? 

Your physical, mental and spiritual wellbeing are all your personal responsibility. Take care of your mind, body and spirit. Do things you enjoy doing that will help keep you healthy in all aspects of life. List activities and restorative practices you enjoy (this might mean trying new activities or going back things you used to love doing), that will feed and cultivate your mind, body and soul and do them daily.

9. WILL THIS GIVE ME ENERGY OR DEPLETE MY ENERGY?

The typical Western diet of sugars, refined carbohydrates and industrial vegetable fats – does not favour mental health. Emerging research in the fields of neuroscience and nutrition show that people who eat a diet of processed modern foods have increased levels of depression, mood swings, hyperactivity and a variety of other mental and emotional problems. Make that connection between your fork and your feelings and choose foods that support your emotional wellbeing and enhance your sense of vitality. List and start investigating, which foods these are for you.

10. WHAT WOULD I DO IF I HAD 1 YEAR LEFT TO LIVE & MONEY WAS NO PROBLEM?

Would you waste your time comparing yourself to everybody else on social media or complaining about your day? Or would you actually call your friends and set up a lunch date. Would you participate more in life? Live somewhere different? Have a child? Change your career? Travel? How would your next 12 months be different if it was your last? Describe with passion your ideal lifestyle, where you would live and what great adventures you would take on. This question helps you to think without limitations. When we are able to remove limitations and boundaries, we can discover what we really want to do.

If you want to live a powerful life, you have to ask powerful questions.

Conclusion

You can study to become a Doctor, Lawyer or Investment Banker. You can have a glittering or financially rewarding career. But knowledge and prestige will only take you so far. Discovering the deep wisdom of self-knowledge will ensure that your life is far more meaningful and fulfilling. Taking the time to answer these questions will change your life. The more that you can implement your passions, strengths, values, desires, and motivations into your days, the happier your life will become!

New knowledge is the most valuable commodity on earth. The more truth we have to work with, the richer we become.

Want help with creating your best life?

If you care for yourself enough to change your life, but don’t have the slightest clue where to start – I’d be happy to help.

IMG_9622My mission is “To help as many people as possible, realise the heart-pounding fact that you’ve only been gifted one life and every day you’re faced with the choice to either make the most of it {unapologetically} or fight against who you’re really meant to be.”

From articles, to videos, to courses, to inspirational quotes, to manifestos to retreats (coming in 2017). I have every resource you need to grow and achieve your highest potential!

Get Free Weekly Tips on Nutrition, Self-Development & Wellness

Ready to live your best life? 🙂 Subscribe to my newsletter (it’s free!) to get my free weekly tips on personal growth. Your email is absolutely safe with me and I’ll never send any spam.

Now it’s over to you – which of these 10 powerful questions do you need to concentrate on? 

[shareaholic app="share_buttons" id="25402902"]

If you enjoyed this post, sign up for updates


Let us know what you have to say:

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *